I am dancing with a soul that's not my own;
we are drifting over clouds of stories untold.
Loving, Breathing, and Dancing
in a timeless fantasy of you and me.

The soul's home, a dark place with stories untold,
with doors and rooms yet to be owned.
Locked, Dark – every window boarded tight
by fear and hate, powerless to be right.

My home is a bright place with one need:
an owner to awaken from dreamless sleep.
I am drowning of the sleepless dreams of desire
with a whisper that I am merely dreaming

I am dancing with a soul that's not my own
who's home is a dark place with stories untold.
Yet we could wrestle, fight, and tumble
so that the window of your closed eyes can open.

See my eyes
See my home
See me dreaming
See beauty
See what could be we.

One of those 'Murphy Law' Days

Well... I worked today

And for those who don't know, I got a new job! Yay!

I'm a cashier.

It's pretty easy, until something goes wrong.

And then... well - it goes wrong.

Anyways - the good thing is that I got a paycheck today! whee! Money! Oh, wait - I'm in debt with my credit card, so I'm going to put half of it towards that on top of my minimum payment. Yay! Less Debt!

Oh, and classes - well - they're going like classes go. Classy. See - I'm taking 16 units (on top of putting myself in for 40 hours at work each week). Which isn't as tough as I though it would be at first. Sure, I'm trying to get ahead on reading and stuff so I'm not left in the dark later. English 1C, Math 5, Sexual Psychology of Humans, History of Theatre, and a late start Introduction to Theatre class (which better be easy, considering I've been actively participating for about 2 years now.

Yay Moorpark College, eh?

Oh! that reminds me, I'm going to this seminar for this absolutely fantastic improv teacher, Anand, tomorrow! Excitement! It's at noon - e-mail me or call me for more details (at least the 'as far as I know' kind of details)

Hope anyone that's reading this is well, because well - I'll survive, but I'm a bit manic. So I'm going to blow off some steam, take a shower, and take a nap! Yay! Nap!

as far as the whole "living with folks, going to school full time, not paying rent because I'm their son" thing. Yea, that's over. So this summer is going to be more revolutionary than I first thought. I'm probably not going to be able to follow through with a few of the commitments I made for the end of this summer and beginning of next semester as far as helping with and being in shows. I hate doing that, I really do.

I'm really scared right now because I'm not really sure I'm ready. But I guess I'll have to 'get butch, bitch' and deal with it. I just think by pulling the plug too early, my parents have extended the length of time until I am successful from 5 years to about 15.

I mean, of course it's going to be an adventure, and I'll enjoy that part of it - but it's an adventure that I wanted to take with a qualify-able and prove-able college education... or at least a job where I can easily find an apartment.

I'm just angry right now... I'm probably going to call a few friends and vent my anger, so don't be surprised if you get a call sometime today.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about life in general. Am I happy, mad, or sad about my life? I'm always contemplating the reasons that my life sucks, and it only gets me deeper and eeper into this depression that I just cant find my way out of. I often feel trapped and alone and yet constnatly watched by authorities that are only interested in their own agenda, and not what I want for myself. I'm always figting something, and I often dont know what, and it causes me to project a rather pompus personna onto my rather sweet demeanor. I fell trapped in suburbuia, and constnatly teased by the means to escape fully, and instead turn only to the facade of freedom with the internet, games, and writing. I'm escaping, but not completely.

My writing is probably the most realistic of my escapes, and one that I am often afriad to pursue because it may reveal too much. yet it is important for me to do, because I have a different perspective than anyone else, and perhaps my perspective could solve a few problems that we have in this world. Most of my writing does seem to have homosexual characters and homo-erocic situations, but in a way I find it very important to push and display these issues. Sometims I feel like it's a bit of a cop out - and I should create a scene where the same lines are said with a gay couple than a straight couple... which would be quite an interesting feat. I could elaborate on the difficultys of comming out, but how cand one effectively compare the complexitys and the inner struggles any greater than that of my own perspecive? I've tried to change my perspective, but what other attribute can be used to display the inner and societal struggle that many think is a choice. Blacks never had to worry about beeing seen as black, because it was plainly seen that their skin was dark. True, some of the flamboyant faggots in the world display their 'clearly fabulous' appearance and it is clearly seen they're homosexual, but even then certain sects of society (might I emphasize that I'm in a rather religious sect called Moorpark, the trap that I am stuck in). And sure - there are the prejudices against certain religions, but religion is clearly a choice, but one that is hard for some to understand the distinction from choosing to be christian, agostic, atheist, jewish, or what have you. Regardless of if it's a choice or not, or even if it's something that is easily displayed - being homosexual or bisexual in any shape or form is a very uniquer struggle, and it's hard to captivate in simple word and situation how this feels when one is a simpleton who will hear it, but hasn't experienced it.

I could write it like a soap opera - the double-couple thing. It would be very interesting to see if the audience gets the connection after the straight couple comes in. Or rather, what would be the best order to get the best impact to the audience? What would be easiest to get the ploy? What would be best? It's hard to really say... or even write depending on the even more specific issues that all couples deal with... or could the 'straight' couple not be as normal as it may appear. I went to 'issues of transsexuals' which was presented by this cross-dressing man who was completely straight. It was interesting to find that it was his wife that poked his addiction out, and found it hard to really and completely accept. And how they had to keep it a secret was fascinating. Perhaps I could use this in a concept, but I'd feel like I was dealing with a completely different minority in which my life has become accustomed and knowledgeable about.

I find it complicated and frustrating these past few months, and I know that the next couple of months will not be any easier. I have to write for scriptwriting, and I'm very overwhelmed by that. I have to perform in the one acts while writing this 'masterpiece.' And I have to deal with my best friend's issues which I am here and open to help him out with. I have my mom constantly worrying about every last thing I do - and it drives me off the wall bonkers. I have improv to work out - what jokes to make, and obviously they're going to be dealing with the same issue that I am stuck dealing with.

And I don't even know why I'm so stuck dealing with it - I'm practically over comming out and figuring out who I am, but I'm constantly called to second-guess particulars of my identity. My groundwork is that I'm definately male, definately masculine, and definately homosexual. From there I'm sure I'm attracted to guys that are not feminine, but still very - sensual and kind, but a bit dull and easy to work with - yet still smart, funny, and great. Then from there I need to figure how to attract such a man with my masculinity. I end up becoming confused and overwhelmed with all that I need to be in order to be complete as well as avaliable for any 'dream man' that possibly comes my way, sits next to me, or looks at me in a classroom.

That happened today - an obviously gay cute blond guy with a rather deep voice was in that classroom, and I wanted deperately to talk to him after we made eye contact a couple of times... but the second the session was over, I bolted to the door thinking - "would a relationship where I met the guy in a presentation about transexualls really be that good of a relationship."

Ok... my hands are tired and I don't really feel like going back and editing this... so I'm going to end it there... probably I'll reflect on this later

He Will Be MIssed

I am alone in a motel room
I am comfortable, but lonely
I watch a romantic comedy
My heart grows fonder

I close my eyes
I dream
I'm riding a wild river
On a raft without a paddle

I open my eyes
I notice
A door that is not the exit
but of the room next door
He may be next door
He may be waiting for me
Waiting to be found.

I stand
I walk to the door
I touch the door
I open the door
I find a door
A door without a handle

I rest my ear against the door
I hear
My breath holding
My heart aching
My soul with it, hoping.

I knock on the door
Knock on the door
Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock
My ear still pressed against the door
Each more painful than the last
Each pierces my heart
Each louder than the last
Each more unstoppable than the last

The door opens
I fall on the floor
He laughs

He speaks to me
He speaks an ancient tongue
I can't understand him

The barrier of communication
Does not matter
His beauty is like his charm
His charm like his beauty
Great

His hand is out
Is what matters
I grab that hand
He brings me up
He pulls me closer
He kisses me
I kiss back
I melt

I finnaly have discovered
No
Wait
He has discovered me
He let me in

His arms surround me
His spirit protects me
I fall asleep

I close my eyes
I dream
We are on that river
I feel his control of the river
He holds my hand
We then guide the raft together
He controls the pace
I somehow the direction.
I let him go faster and faster still
I let out, in pleasure, a moan

I open my eyes
I am only wrapped in my own arms
One across me
One around me
I notice the door again

I stand
I walk to the door
I touch the door
I open my door
I find a board
and an iron

They fall down on me
I fall on the floor
I laugh

I feel my disappointment
I feel my reality slip away
I do not understand if it was reality or not

I close my eyes again
I dream
I am on the river
Alone again
Alone on the raft
I control the river
The direction
The pace
The sun
The earth
The moon
My soul

He gave me the gift
He let me go
He will be missed
If only truly by me

-Thursday, February 08, 2007, 2:14:14 AM

Megalomaniac?

A megalomaniac
Mania of perception
Perception of indulgence
Indulgence of selfishness
False perception
True Mania, malignant

A megalomaniac
Thinks she's the next Madonna
Yes, I'm talking to you Britney - you whore
She's a symbol of white trash pop
The Generation I am - I see gore

A megalomaniac
Thinks he is the next of his father
I'm talking to you Bush junior
He is the symbol that I did not choose
The generations before me made that mistake.

A megalomaniac, am I? ---Maybe
I am driven, but by what? ---"The Force"
Are my self-perceptions false? ---Maybe
Is my wisdom deserved? ---Ask the three
Or am I a fool? ---Maybe
Is a wise fool wise? ---Play with cards
or is a foolish wise man? ---Maybe
Do I know fate? ---ESP
Or is fate why I know? ---Maybe

I believe it to be love that drives me manic,
I am a puzzle piece of a greater risk

---William OK Boller 2007 Feb 4 @ 04 57

OMG - Day!

Friday 2/9/07

---Late (11PMish) - Got out of Denny's/something

Saturday 2/10/07

--2AMish - Got to bed, Jacked off, fell asleep
--8AMish - Woke-up, Jacked off
--8AM-5PM - Random stuff on computer, Friends, and Jacking off
----9AMish Jacked off
----11AMish Jacked off
----1PMish Jacked off
----4PMish Jacked off
----4PM-5PM - Random Nap
--5PM - Dad drove me to Moorpark College to prepare for Variety Show
**Note: I dress up as a woman for the Variety Show, it was quite ridiculous. Kathy asked me to do it, and since I love her I obligued. Plus, I'm so funny when I'm a girl. Sassy too. Maybe a bit too sassy, that comes later.
--7:30pm - Variety Show Starts
**Note: There was a beauty queen bullshit thing going on. Winston called her a 'Turkey' which I found amusing because people who were there for the beauty queen answered 'the Turkey'. Winston makes my soul happy. I stole homemade cookies. Compliments to the baker! Very Yummy!
--8:30ish? - FIRE ALARM! AHHHH!
**Note: I was still in my dress. It was beginning to drizzle a little bit. I got lots of compliments. I took even the sarcastic ones with grace. Nuf Said
--10:30ish? - Variety Show Ends, head off to Rocky
**Note: I kept my dress on including make-up, wearing my Jacket around it to keep me warms. Nuf Said
--11:30ish - Got to Rocky, Needed to Pee, Rushed to go Pee

Sunday 2/11/07

**Note: I first tryed the chevron that I like, RR outa order. Then I tried 7-11, RR under construction... still. Then I think it's a 76 station. Bought Mints. Relieved Self in rather nice restroom. It lacked a hook for a jacket so I got creative. Returned to line. Got hand stamped. Some time later they let us in. Tough love with Sydnee.
****Note: Basically Told her to call me when she decided to be a forgiving spirit. She said she was. I'm like bullshit. She's like no. I'm like - you wonder why you dont have any Friends, Syd. Love you lots hun, but you locked the door first. Call me when you want to work through shit instead of just broken recording the whole 'you ditched me.' Get over it.
**Note: We get in, and the date auction - whoo! Tina got two dates. Venessa got a date. All three very significant... you should check their blogs. Later in night I go to silent auctions. Bid on Pereu. Win Him. Yay! I'm excited b/c he's an awesome guy, and he gave me a kiss. But it kinda sucked because my lips are in a constant state of chap. I bid on Lori. Jen talks with me, decides to turn my triangle date into a double^3 date, which is cool. Jen bids on Lori. Jen wins Lori.
****Note: On the date. I kinda want to go to a theme park. But I'm anticipating what the actual original date was to entail. Time will tell! yay!

4:30AM? I was so tired I dont even remember - Head to Norms. Arrive at Norms
*note: Fudge Brownies good. Sins cast cool.

5:am - Leave Norms. head home
**Note: Gnarly traffic stuff. It was like - Police slows us down, tells us to stup. Other people are like "No, we're American, we always go" I'm like "Wyn, you move. I yell louder." I'm still in dress. I cover up with my jacket just in case PoPo girl decies to peer in and see my fabulous green dress. It's horrible. It really is.
****Note: The green dress is really bad.
**Note: We get to talking about shit... more shit... drama shit... shit shit... and beating shit... all lovely car conversation, but with me if something is brought up, it is dealt with until someone gives me good reason to delay the dealing of bullshit.
****Note: Wyn and I have Spiritual conversation. About Souls, and Anniversaries.

6:30am - Get home. Write Blog
**Note: I'm kinda horny
6:48AM - Jacks off

2007 01 31 - Candle in Dispair

It is in darkness we choose to curse
Because are feels may be realized there
We then become blind to the present candle
we have the ability to light in one clap

We fear to clap, though, for it draws attention
of the monster that is our fear
We hold onto silence, and to immobility
only because the chance seems not worth it

I instead choose to scream
to allow sound in silence
to shoot waves of simplicity
and chaotic harmony

I choose put fire on the candle
to allow light in darkness
to brighten the room
with poignant intensity

I instead to regard a soul as it is
to sympathy in indifference
to say what needs to be
and with it, change can hear and see

-William Boller. 2007 Jan. 31. 11:00AM

Year Summary, 1/28/07

So far this year, life has been pretty tough to cope with.

Already, my spirit is wavering with all the stress that is put upon it.

Family life aint so grand... mom's angry at me because I, for once, am trying to be completely honest with how I feel about her. She can't take it

Friend life aint so grand either. I love all my friends (lots of she's and he's here, and each one is kinda different), but she's mad at him who is no longer with her who is with him, and because of these shifts in the patterns of things she's mad and since I decided to be straight (imagine that), she's mad at me now. It's just all so very difficult to take, and my spirit is overburdened with internal pain.

I'm a bit confused, and a bit sleep deprived. I'm kinda scared that I may go into the deep end of excitement again. Which will probably lead me to being put on pills again, and I hate mood pills - especially lithium.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm kinda hurting right now.

I still love, and always will love the beings around me. It just pains me to see my friends fight with each other.

Anything I've said I do mean, and I'm not one to take back any truth I have spoken, especially that out of love.

I am aware the world is not as ideal as I would wish it to be, but I take a friends advice to good use, if someone says I have written or said something too sharp. I may soften it a little bit, but the integrity of what I write and say will always stay in tact.

I love you all, I love you even more if you're read this entire thing.

*big hugs*

2007 01 22 - "Should Both Always?"

Easy, in laughter, to recall

Each time we choose to, we do so to
Lift our spirit higher, but it becomes

Harder to recognize that

Laughter masks our underlying sorrow;
Thus it becomes a shield for those sorrows.

So that we may never recall less, and instead become more;

To prevent visions of no end from misery, and let us even our own score.

Easy, in sorrow, to remember

the weakness within it forever persists, and
so we cry, to release our pain, but it becomes

Harder to realize that

Lament is a luxury, left to those who persist;
Ironically their surviving spirit further persists.

We remember our strength, but our weaknesses are left to be understood;

They empower us with joy so that we may be mended - both always should.

So cry when you are happy,
and laugh when you are sad.
Then learn from each lesson,
and make your own stand.

-William Boller. 2007 Jan. 22.