I am alone in a motel room
I am comfortable, but lonely
I watch a romantic comedy
My heart grows fonder
I close my eyes
I dream
I'm riding a wild river
On a raft without a paddle
I open my eyes
I notice
A door that is not the exit
but of the room next door
He may be next door
He may be waiting for me
Waiting to be found.
I stand
I walk to the door
I touch the door
I open the door
I find a door
A door without a handle
I rest my ear against the door
I hear
My breath holding
My heart aching
My soul with it, hoping.
I knock on the door
Knock on the door
Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock
My ear still pressed against the door
Each more painful than the last
Each pierces my heart
Each louder than the last
Each more unstoppable than the last
The door opens
I fall on the floor
He laughs
He speaks to me
He speaks an ancient tongue
I can't understand him
The barrier of communication
Does not matter
His beauty is like his charm
His charm like his beauty
Great
His hand is out
Is what matters
I grab that hand
He brings me up
He pulls me closer
He kisses me
I kiss back
I melt
I finnaly have discovered
No
Wait
He has discovered me
He let me in
His arms surround me
His spirit protects me
I fall asleep
I close my eyes
I dream
We are on that river
I feel his control of the river
He holds my hand
We then guide the raft together
He controls the pace
I somehow the direction.
I let him go faster and faster still
I let out, in pleasure, a moan
I open my eyes
I am only wrapped in my own arms
One across me
One around me
I notice the door again
I stand
I walk to the door
I touch the door
I open my door
I find a board
and an iron
They fall down on me
I fall on the floor
I laugh
I feel my disappointment
I feel my reality slip away
I do not understand if it was reality or not
I close my eyes again
I dream
I am on the river
Alone again
Alone on the raft
I control the river
The direction
The pace
The sun
The earth
The moon
My soul
He gave me the gift
He let me go
He will be missed
If only truly by me
-Thursday, February 08, 2007, 2:14:14 AM
2007-02-14
Megalomaniac?
A megalomaniac
Mania of perception
Perception of indulgence
Indulgence of selfishness
False perception
True Mania, malignant
A megalomaniac
Thinks she's the next Madonna
Yes, I'm talking to you Britney - you whore
She's a symbol of white trash pop
The Generation I am - I see gore
A megalomaniac
Thinks he is the next of his father
I'm talking to you Bush junior
He is the symbol that I did not choose
The generations before me made that mistake.
A megalomaniac, am I? ---Maybe
I am driven, but by what? ---"The Force"
Are my self-perceptions false? ---Maybe
Is my wisdom deserved? ---Ask the three
Or am I a fool? ---Maybe
Is a wise fool wise? ---Play with cards
or is a foolish wise man? ---Maybe
Do I know fate? ---ESP
Or is fate why I know? ---Maybe
I believe it to be love that drives me manic,
I am a puzzle piece of a greater risk
---William OK Boller 2007 Feb 4 @ 04 57
Mania of perception
Perception of indulgence
Indulgence of selfishness
False perception
True Mania, malignant
A megalomaniac
Thinks she's the next Madonna
Yes, I'm talking to you Britney - you whore
She's a symbol of white trash pop
The Generation I am - I see gore
A megalomaniac
Thinks he is the next of his father
I'm talking to you Bush junior
He is the symbol that I did not choose
The generations before me made that mistake.
A megalomaniac, am I? ---Maybe
I am driven, but by what? ---"The Force"
Are my self-perceptions false? ---Maybe
Is my wisdom deserved? ---Ask the three
Or am I a fool? ---Maybe
Is a wise fool wise? ---Play with cards
or is a foolish wise man? ---Maybe
Do I know fate? ---ESP
Or is fate why I know? ---Maybe
I believe it to be love that drives me manic,
I am a puzzle piece of a greater risk
---William OK Boller 2007 Feb 4 @ 04 57
2007-02-11
OMG - Day!
Friday 2/9/07
---Late (11PMish) - Got out of Denny's/something
Saturday 2/10/07
--2AMish - Got to bed, Jacked off, fell asleep
--8AMish - Woke-up, Jacked off
--8AM-5PM - Random stuff on computer, Friends, and Jacking off
----9AMish Jacked off
----11AMish Jacked off
----1PMish Jacked off
----4PMish Jacked off
----4PM-5PM - Random Nap
--5PM - Dad drove me to Moorpark College to prepare for Variety Show
**Note: I dress up as a woman for the Variety Show, it was quite ridiculous. Kathy asked me to do it, and since I love her I obligued. Plus, I'm so funny when I'm a girl. Sassy too. Maybe a bit too sassy, that comes later.
--7:30pm - Variety Show Starts
**Note: There was a beauty queen bullshit thing going on. Winston called her a 'Turkey' which I found amusing because people who were there for the beauty queen answered 'the Turkey'. Winston makes my soul happy. I stole homemade cookies. Compliments to the baker! Very Yummy!
--8:30ish? - FIRE ALARM! AHHHH!
**Note: I was still in my dress. It was beginning to drizzle a little bit. I got lots of compliments. I took even the sarcastic ones with grace. Nuf Said
--10:30ish? - Variety Show Ends, head off to Rocky
**Note: I kept my dress on including make-up, wearing my Jacket around it to keep me warms. Nuf Said
--11:30ish - Got to Rocky, Needed to Pee, Rushed to go Pee
Sunday 2/11/07
**Note: I first tryed the chevron that I like, RR outa order. Then I tried 7-11, RR under construction... still. Then I think it's a 76 station. Bought Mints. Relieved Self in rather nice restroom. It lacked a hook for a jacket so I got creative. Returned to line. Got hand stamped. Some time later they let us in. Tough love with Sydnee.
****Note: Basically Told her to call me when she decided to be a forgiving spirit. She said she was. I'm like bullshit. She's like no. I'm like - you wonder why you dont have any Friends, Syd. Love you lots hun, but you locked the door first. Call me when you want to work through shit instead of just broken recording the whole 'you ditched me.' Get over it.
**Note: We get in, and the date auction - whoo! Tina got two dates. Venessa got a date. All three very significant... you should check their blogs. Later in night I go to silent auctions. Bid on Pereu. Win Him. Yay! I'm excited b/c he's an awesome guy, and he gave me a kiss. But it kinda sucked because my lips are in a constant state of chap. I bid on Lori. Jen talks with me, decides to turn my triangle date into a double^3 date, which is cool. Jen bids on Lori. Jen wins Lori.
****Note: On the date. I kinda want to go to a theme park. But I'm anticipating what the actual original date was to entail. Time will tell! yay!
4:30AM? I was so tired I dont even remember - Head to Norms. Arrive at Norms
*note: Fudge Brownies good. Sins cast cool.
5:am - Leave Norms. head home
**Note: Gnarly traffic stuff. It was like - Police slows us down, tells us to stup. Other people are like "No, we're American, we always go" I'm like "Wyn, you move. I yell louder." I'm still in dress. I cover up with my jacket just in case PoPo girl decies to peer in and see my fabulous green dress. It's horrible. It really is.
****Note: The green dress is really bad.
**Note: We get to talking about shit... more shit... drama shit... shit shit... and beating shit... all lovely car conversation, but with me if something is brought up, it is dealt with until someone gives me good reason to delay the dealing of bullshit.
****Note: Wyn and I have Spiritual conversation. About Souls, and Anniversaries.
6:30am - Get home. Write Blog
**Note: I'm kinda horny
6:48AM - Jacks off
---Late (11PMish) - Got out of Denny's/something
Saturday 2/10/07
--2AMish - Got to bed, Jacked off, fell asleep
--8AMish - Woke-up, Jacked off
--8AM-5PM - Random stuff on computer, Friends, and Jacking off
----9AMish Jacked off
----11AMish Jacked off
----1PMish Jacked off
----4PMish Jacked off
----4PM-5PM - Random Nap
--5PM - Dad drove me to Moorpark College to prepare for Variety Show
**Note: I dress up as a woman for the Variety Show, it was quite ridiculous. Kathy asked me to do it, and since I love her I obligued. Plus, I'm so funny when I'm a girl. Sassy too. Maybe a bit too sassy, that comes later.
--7:30pm - Variety Show Starts
**Note: There was a beauty queen bullshit thing going on. Winston called her a 'Turkey' which I found amusing because people who were there for the beauty queen answered 'the Turkey'. Winston makes my soul happy. I stole homemade cookies. Compliments to the baker! Very Yummy!
--8:30ish? - FIRE ALARM! AHHHH!
**Note: I was still in my dress. It was beginning to drizzle a little bit. I got lots of compliments. I took even the sarcastic ones with grace. Nuf Said
--10:30ish? - Variety Show Ends, head off to Rocky
**Note: I kept my dress on including make-up, wearing my Jacket around it to keep me warms. Nuf Said
--11:30ish - Got to Rocky, Needed to Pee, Rushed to go Pee
Sunday 2/11/07
**Note: I first tryed the chevron that I like, RR outa order. Then I tried 7-11, RR under construction... still. Then I think it's a 76 station. Bought Mints. Relieved Self in rather nice restroom. It lacked a hook for a jacket so I got creative. Returned to line. Got hand stamped. Some time later they let us in. Tough love with Sydnee.
****Note: Basically Told her to call me when she decided to be a forgiving spirit. She said she was. I'm like bullshit. She's like no. I'm like - you wonder why you dont have any Friends, Syd. Love you lots hun, but you locked the door first. Call me when you want to work through shit instead of just broken recording the whole 'you ditched me.' Get over it.
**Note: We get in, and the date auction - whoo! Tina got two dates. Venessa got a date. All three very significant... you should check their blogs. Later in night I go to silent auctions. Bid on Pereu. Win Him. Yay! I'm excited b/c he's an awesome guy, and he gave me a kiss. But it kinda sucked because my lips are in a constant state of chap. I bid on Lori. Jen talks with me, decides to turn my triangle date into a double^3 date, which is cool. Jen bids on Lori. Jen wins Lori.
****Note: On the date. I kinda want to go to a theme park. But I'm anticipating what the actual original date was to entail. Time will tell! yay!
4:30AM? I was so tired I dont even remember - Head to Norms. Arrive at Norms
*note: Fudge Brownies good. Sins cast cool.
5:am - Leave Norms. head home
**Note: Gnarly traffic stuff. It was like - Police slows us down, tells us to stup. Other people are like "No, we're American, we always go" I'm like "Wyn, you move. I yell louder." I'm still in dress. I cover up with my jacket just in case PoPo girl decies to peer in and see my fabulous green dress. It's horrible. It really is.
****Note: The green dress is really bad.
**Note: We get to talking about shit... more shit... drama shit... shit shit... and beating shit... all lovely car conversation, but with me if something is brought up, it is dealt with until someone gives me good reason to delay the dealing of bullshit.
****Note: Wyn and I have Spiritual conversation. About Souls, and Anniversaries.
6:30am - Get home. Write Blog
**Note: I'm kinda horny
6:48AM - Jacks off
2007-02-01
2007 01 31 - Candle in Dispair
It is in darkness we choose to curse
Because are feels may be realized there
We then become blind to the present candle
we have the ability to light in one clap
We fear to clap, though, for it draws attention
of the monster that is our fear
We hold onto silence, and to immobility
only because the chance seems not worth it
I instead choose to scream
to allow sound in silence
to shoot waves of simplicity
and chaotic harmony
I choose put fire on the candle
to allow light in darkness
to brighten the room
with poignant intensity
I instead to regard a soul as it is
to sympathy in indifference
to say what needs to be
and with it, change can hear and see
-William Boller. 2007 Jan. 31. 11:00AM
Because are feels may be realized there
We then become blind to the present candle
we have the ability to light in one clap
We fear to clap, though, for it draws attention
of the monster that is our fear
We hold onto silence, and to immobility
only because the chance seems not worth it
I instead choose to scream
to allow sound in silence
to shoot waves of simplicity
and chaotic harmony
I choose put fire on the candle
to allow light in darkness
to brighten the room
with poignant intensity
I instead to regard a soul as it is
to sympathy in indifference
to say what needs to be
and with it, change can hear and see
-William Boller. 2007 Jan. 31. 11:00AM
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