I've been spending a lot of time thinking about life in general. Am I happy, mad, or sad about my life? I'm always contemplating the reasons that my life sucks, and it only gets me deeper and eeper into this depression that I just cant find my way out of. I often feel trapped and alone and yet constnatly watched by authorities that are only interested in their own agenda, and not what I want for myself. I'm always figting something, and I often dont know what, and it causes me to project a rather pompus personna onto my rather sweet demeanor. I fell trapped in suburbuia, and constnatly teased by the means to escape fully, and instead turn only to the facade of freedom with the internet, games, and writing. I'm escaping, but not completely.

My writing is probably the most realistic of my escapes, and one that I am often afriad to pursue because it may reveal too much. yet it is important for me to do, because I have a different perspective than anyone else, and perhaps my perspective could solve a few problems that we have in this world. Most of my writing does seem to have homosexual characters and homo-erocic situations, but in a way I find it very important to push and display these issues. Sometims I feel like it's a bit of a cop out - and I should create a scene where the same lines are said with a gay couple than a straight couple... which would be quite an interesting feat. I could elaborate on the difficultys of comming out, but how cand one effectively compare the complexitys and the inner struggles any greater than that of my own perspecive? I've tried to change my perspective, but what other attribute can be used to display the inner and societal struggle that many think is a choice. Blacks never had to worry about beeing seen as black, because it was plainly seen that their skin was dark. True, some of the flamboyant faggots in the world display their 'clearly fabulous' appearance and it is clearly seen they're homosexual, but even then certain sects of society (might I emphasize that I'm in a rather religious sect called Moorpark, the trap that I am stuck in). And sure - there are the prejudices against certain religions, but religion is clearly a choice, but one that is hard for some to understand the distinction from choosing to be christian, agostic, atheist, jewish, or what have you. Regardless of if it's a choice or not, or even if it's something that is easily displayed - being homosexual or bisexual in any shape or form is a very uniquer struggle, and it's hard to captivate in simple word and situation how this feels when one is a simpleton who will hear it, but hasn't experienced it.

I could write it like a soap opera - the double-couple thing. It would be very interesting to see if the audience gets the connection after the straight couple comes in. Or rather, what would be the best order to get the best impact to the audience? What would be easiest to get the ploy? What would be best? It's hard to really say... or even write depending on the even more specific issues that all couples deal with... or could the 'straight' couple not be as normal as it may appear. I went to 'issues of transsexuals' which was presented by this cross-dressing man who was completely straight. It was interesting to find that it was his wife that poked his addiction out, and found it hard to really and completely accept. And how they had to keep it a secret was fascinating. Perhaps I could use this in a concept, but I'd feel like I was dealing with a completely different minority in which my life has become accustomed and knowledgeable about.

I find it complicated and frustrating these past few months, and I know that the next couple of months will not be any easier. I have to write for scriptwriting, and I'm very overwhelmed by that. I have to perform in the one acts while writing this 'masterpiece.' And I have to deal with my best friend's issues which I am here and open to help him out with. I have my mom constantly worrying about every last thing I do - and it drives me off the wall bonkers. I have improv to work out - what jokes to make, and obviously they're going to be dealing with the same issue that I am stuck dealing with.

And I don't even know why I'm so stuck dealing with it - I'm practically over comming out and figuring out who I am, but I'm constantly called to second-guess particulars of my identity. My groundwork is that I'm definately male, definately masculine, and definately homosexual. From there I'm sure I'm attracted to guys that are not feminine, but still very - sensual and kind, but a bit dull and easy to work with - yet still smart, funny, and great. Then from there I need to figure how to attract such a man with my masculinity. I end up becoming confused and overwhelmed with all that I need to be in order to be complete as well as avaliable for any 'dream man' that possibly comes my way, sits next to me, or looks at me in a classroom.

That happened today - an obviously gay cute blond guy with a rather deep voice was in that classroom, and I wanted deperately to talk to him after we made eye contact a couple of times... but the second the session was over, I bolted to the door thinking - "would a relationship where I met the guy in a presentation about transexualls really be that good of a relationship."

Ok... my hands are tired and I don't really feel like going back and editing this... so I'm going to end it there... probably I'll reflect on this later