Buddy's Writing

It may finnaly be time to clear the s...

2009-10-06T20:14:00.001-07:00

Finally
It may finally be time to clear the slate
Move to a new home
Start over
Enjoy the novelty of adventure

To somewhere
Where the rain cleans
and is not merely a tease

Where I can afford
To be alone
Really alone
Alone
But not lonely
To take the place of the pervasive
Lonely but not alone

Help me fate
Help me find this place
The right place
Hit and Miss is too long a method

Help me find
Somewhere where I can stop looking
because nowhere would be from me to look

The journey to you has been long and will continue to be
I will always wish you were here to take this journey with me
But that would ruin the point wouldn't it? It would

Be nice
Words to be live by
Be nicer
So where to be nice?

I really shouldn't feel this way

2009-08-21T06:02:00.001-07:00

I really shouldn't feel this way
I'm not lonely - I've got friends
I'm not lonely - but I feel alone
I snuggle with a comforter
Fantasize that the fabric I feel
-is slick, weaty skin
-warming to my touch
-touching to warm mine
The sweet taste of the back of his neck
I can taste it
-Sweet yet salty
-Strong yet mild
So strong is my fantasy that I can taste his neck
I'd think myself sick, but I value the escape of this fantasy
I taste so this fantasized boy can feel better, and not alone
I'm not lonely - but I feel so alone
I'm not lonely - at least in my mind
I'm not lonely - at least with him

He is out there feeling this way (I hope)
Yet how do two souls so far apart
Cure this lonely feeling
And really... just... taste?

Have you ever lied down and wondered:...

2009-06-23T00:42:00.001-07:00

Have you ever lied down and wondered: What sort of character am I?

Like it really mattered

Do you wish your character to be anything - good - bad - heroic - humorous - friendly - interesting - great?

Then do you do anything about it.

Is it fair to desire to be a character - any character - as long as your character is described as a character.

Like letters on a paper we are all characters waiting for the plot to use another U or I

Is the character we choose paramount on the attention we receive in the sentences we live in? Or is the rarity of a character paramount on the interest it createz

Or is the novel in which we are written omniscient? The rules of the universe so powerful that we have no power to alter our character? For a w is two v's and a t is an l who has yet to be crossed. and an l and a I are often confused for one another. There are lines that are blurred - but is that our doing or the doing of our omnipotent writer? or a mishap or otherwise miracle?

So I beg my own question: What sort of character am I?

And I hope to, at some point, be all of them.

It is the mind to make this world

2009-02-22T05:11:00.001-08:00

It is the mind to make. I don't believe in a God that is preached. Often Loving, but contradictorily smiting. The flaw in a preacher is HIS justification of how the making of heaven is by a God HE twists to that device to make that heaven suit HIM.

God, to me, is everything. The air I breathe, the body I live in, the family I'm a part of, world I stand on, stars I look upon and the space in between, the thoughts I think, the thoughts everyone thinks, the thoughts we share. In our blood, our tears, our shit, our accomplishments. Blessed Beautiful and the ugly, pious and greedy. Almighty and powerless - always rising to power to yet again fall from our minds.

Ultimately God is those three words: exist, things, and reality (because even that which is unreal is realized)

Yet God is also their opposite

God is he, she, it, that, everyone, nobody. And is the hardest to not pronounce a sir. Only through editions can we label appropriately.

But God is not to be preached to me. I am to procure God for myself.

I have been distracted from my place within, but then again my belief in pre-disposition and eternity drives me to think that I was meant to have that distraction as that was how I was to be... just that. Distracted for my enjoyment, because life is to become more and more difficult. And the difficulty is mine to create.

I have to begin giving back to the God who has spoiled me, for however I was spoiled I'd be made that much kinder and gentler and wise to existence.

The hardest part about God is how hard it is to comprehend that which has so little qualities - yet so many different categories - such a large extension.

I believe in the stars, I believe in this world, I believe in Love, I believe in others, I believe in myself
I believe the sun is both our past and our future - father/son - mother/daughter - one/two/infinity, I believe in the heavens as I can see them in the stars, I believe that Hate can be conquered by the seeds we plant in the earth, I believe in all humanity because what connects it is love, I believe in God because I believe in others.

Looking for something greater than myself is easy, knowing what really exists is not for me to know, but knowing that it does exist brings faith to my heart. I know what is meant by thinking - It may only be an extraction of being, but my thoughts no matter how far imagined are mine and Gods. And I think I'm fine with that.

I have always thought that, felt that, and somehow know that I was meant for something far beyond my realization. I now have faith in that what I am meant to be, think, and say is part of God. I'll let God guide, and hope I make the right steps. For the wrong ones may allow the pain of God's malice override the benevolence and imagination he's beset onto me to use.

We are but the eyes of God who have tried in the mirror to see who we think the almighty is. But the reflection is not God - for we are not God, and only part of. For we know that the reflection is not us - the reflection is light reflected off flesh off a mirror and back to flesh. All part of God, but not who God is. If we place two of these mirrors to face one another and can finally know God, until then our eyes fool us to think God looks as we do, but we can know that God is there, just not know what God is.

This may be my personal proof for God - to realize God is there - combine God within all things - allowed to exist as part-taker of my thoughts and a thought of. It is the mind to make this world - as to reference that which has the largest extension, but smallest comprehension.

---2009 02 22 William Oliver Korteland Boller

2008-09-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

Boller, William

Professor M. Pearson

English M01C; 71535;
MW2:30PM-3:50PM

17 September 2008

It’s
Not Mutually Exclusive, Folks:

Can’t Being a Man and Being Homosexual be
Separate?

Choosing
a societal issue that appeared in the Muy Machoproved no easy
task because the complexity and depth that are conveyed spark many
different topics which catch my attention. The variety of topics
froze me in a state of indecision, but it soon became clear to me
that the best topic was one that was personal. I am faced daily with
a curious myth in American society: Heterosexism.
Merriam-Websterdefines this as "discrimination or
prejudice by heterosexuals against homosexuals" ("heterosexism"
1). This is more a definition of homophobia than what I find
heterosexism to be: the expectation and pressure of a society for its
members to appear (as well as be) heterosexual. Often the result of
heterosexism is that homophobia. Heterosexism and homophobia make up
a perceived fear among men that they could possibly be any less of a
man, and these fears are frequently referenced in Muy Macho,
particularly in Ilan Stavans' "The Latin Phallus" and Luis
Alberto Urrea's "Whores." What is amazing is that although
Muy Machocenters on the Latino definitions of masculinity;
this disorienting conflict between homosexuality and masculinity
applies on a more contemporary level.

We
are obsessed with placing ourselves into a box, label, or myth that
we believe will serve us by giving us placement among a group and
greater purpose. Urrea makes reference to a 'Macho Box' which is how
Latino men prove to each other they were macho by self-electrocution
(Urrea 106). In the macho box these men hope to infuse and shock
masculinity into their spirits when in essence they are really slowly
killing themselves from the inside out. I find this to parallel
closeted men and women, those who can not reconcile their own
homo-erotic impulses, whom constantly are trying to show the straight
world a façade of heterosexuality.

Urrea was brought into a whore house because his
father believed him to lack machismo and because of this perception
his father believed him a "faggot" (Urrea 102). I don't
believe being labeled with a stigma could have helped Urrea's
self-esteem. The use of hate speech effects both homosexuals and
heterosexuals by creating an air of insecurity and vulnerability and
reinforcing the stigma and ill-regard towards the target of the hate
speech. Urrea's tone suggests that he was embarrassed by his father,
and showed the vulnerability being called a faggot caused him. Urrea
was then forced to compare his current, calm behaviors with the
stigmas of homosexuality, and contrast it all with the aggrandized
ideal of masculinity.

In his essay, "The Latin Phallus",
Stavans makes an interesting conclusion about the role of masculinity
in that the symbol of the penis creates purpose and drive to repress
homosexual culture (Stavans 164). All these Latino men's efforts to
provide the presentation of being a man fail because they often loose
sight of where true strength comes from. Being a 'man' is viewed as a
complete exclusion from homosexual desire, and any homo-erotic
impulse is seen as a sign of being less of a 'man'. A
homosexual's sexual desire is at direct odds with the mainstream's
opinions of masculine sexuality, and in effect homosexual culture is
repressed by that perception of masculinity and assumption of
heterosexuality.

Stavans confronts this stigma on homosexuals by
exposing that gay men often still play important roles from laborers
to governmental members (Stavans 154). Heterosexism is the standard
that assumes everyone is heterosexual, and when a homosexual is
discovered to hold an important role in a heterosexist society it
becomes a huge controversy. I find this strange because that
individual's sexual orientation was probably constant; his
orientation did not change. The only change was the discovery
of his taboo orientation, and this changed the public's opinion of
him, and striped him of his public favor.

In a recent study of college students to measure
levels of homophobia the highest homophobic response occurred in men
whose standards for masculinity were rigid and high, but perceived
themselves to not be meeting those high standards (Lance 791). This
leads us to believe that a lot of what causes homophobia is
individual insecurity regarding masculinity. When faced with the
knowledge that someone they know is gay, their own insecurities of
themselves are brought to the forefront of an awkward situation.

I think the problem is that the assumption that
being a "man" is exclusive from being a homosexual and
because no thought is put into allowing the two to co-exist or
co-habituate. The instinct for machos is often to over-do the
more desired masculine response using brutality and violence. To
many, being a 'man' is what gives self esteem. For example, in the
ghetto slums of young urban America, "manhood and respect are
flip sides of the same coin; physical and psychological well-being
are inseparable, and both require a sense of control, of being in
charge" (Anderson 179). Yet this assumption has exception when I
use myself as an example, because I feel I can be respected for both
being a 'man' as well as being attracted to other men. In fact,
I find a few feminine qualities sexually unappealing. Of
course, I have been in a setting where my well-being was not
threatened when I came out. This is why I find it important to
spread a level of tolerance and education in a community where
heterosexuality is falsely assumed onto its members.

Back to the study of college student's with
homophobia. It was interesting to find that the more time
students with homophobic tendencies spent with homosexuals in a
non-threatening environment, the more they slowly came to accept
homosexuals. This is called the "contact hypothesis" and is
based upon demystifying heterosexism by recognizing common ground,
beliefs, and values (Lance 792). This gives me purpose and reason to
not be afraid to and to "out myself" in a college class
environment. I'm aware that if homophobic students are simply exposed
to me in a non-threatening way then their tolerance of homosexuals
will increase, and heterosexist assumptions will decrease.

I
find the sacrifice men make simply to preserve the status that they
are “Macho” amazing. Of course, the entire concept of
masculinity and heterosexism goes far beyond what I can tackle in a
short essay, but I found it interesting to consider the
inseparability that is contained in the male psyche between respect,
masculinity, and sexual orientation. This fusion is referenced
frequently in the essays in Muy Machoand simply skimming some
of the other essays I see the references to overriding masculinity. I
found Stavan and Urrea’s essays most comparable to the issues
of heterosexism and homophobia that are related to my own personal
struggle with society.

Works Cited

Anderson, Elijah. "The Code of the Street." Readings for
Sociology. Ed. Garth Massey. Boston: W. W.

Norton & Company,
Incorporated, 2005. 171-83.

"Heterosexism." Merriam-Webster
Online Dictionary. 2008. Merriam-Webster Online. 8 September
2008.

<http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/heterosexism>.

Lance, Larry M. "Social Inequality on the
College Campus: A Consideration of Homosexuality." College

Student Journal. 42.3 (Sept 2008): 789(6). General OneFile. Gale.
Moorpark College Library. 10 Sept.

2008
<http://find.galegroup.com/ips/start.do?prodId=IPS>.

Stavans, Ilan. "The Latin Phallus." Muy
Macho: Latino Men Confront Their Manhood. Ed. Ray Gonzalez.

New
York: Anchor Books, 1996. 143-64.

Urrea, Luis Alberto. "Whores." Muy
Macho: Latino Men Confront Their Manhood. Ed. Ray Gonzalez.

New
York: Anchor Books, 1996. 99-110.

2008-05-15T02:13:00.000-07:00

Thinking is Dangerous Business

Well – the semester's pretty much up, and I've become somewhat depressed – or at least less motivated.

What I mean is that I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing.

Work was tough yesterday – I got in and things went wrong to worse. I knew I should have stayed in bed that afternoon (I wake up at 3pm work from 4pm to 12:30am, and sleep again around 5amish. It's my usual digg). Well, I get to work and the very expensive teazzer machine breaks when I'm cleaning it, which is something I've always done religiously whenever I get to work. It never fails that that machine's dirtier than it should be by the time I get to work, no matter how many times they say they've cleaned it – it needs to be at least rinsed every time it is used, otherwise the green tea gets mixed with the black. Anyways – a wiper inside of the blasted thing got jammed instead of being calibrated and pushed to the right. It got fucked up.

I also had to hose down the friggin outside area. Now, I think it's quite fucked up that they added the chore of hosing down the pump area a few months ago. Personally, I think they should have someone from the car wash do it – since they are better suited for mechanical, motor, water, and physically-intensive tasks like the power washer. My manager should schedule two people each day for car-wash duties. One from 8am-4:30pm, and the other from 2pm-10:30pm. First one would open the car-wash; second one would come on, giving the first one his lunch; first one would go home; second one would close car wash at 7:30pm and then take lunch; second one would get out power washer and wash shit down until the 10pm noise curfew, put it all away, and (finnaly) go home around 10:30am. It's flawless – except for the fact that they'd have to hire someone to work carwash, which they should regardless because I don't know if Elliot wants to be a full time car-wash guy... but who knows – he could – and that'd make the whole hiring-a-new-subway-girl-and-cutting-back-everyone's-hours-in-the-subway-department move make sense.

And I also don't know what the flipper I'm doing as far as guys are concerned. This guy comes into work, and he is cute, jockish, and altogether delicious. We talk for about 15 minutes (while I should have been mopping the store, which I was already behind schedule for). We talk about how he's about to graduate from HS (so he could also be 17 and underage... perfect) and going to Cal Poli and his quest for Business admin. He was a cutie, and not to sound stalkerish, but I wish he had a card to use instead of cash so I could be all stalkler-like and memorize his name real quick and find him on Myspace or Facebook. I might just search for class of '08 male seniors at MHS with his first name.

I'm fucking ridiculous – I was about to give him my number, but it's always so awkward giving a guy my number when I'm convinced he's just a very friendly and somewhat-flirtatious straight guy.

But daaamn was he fine.

And why am I back on boy-obsessing again. I thought I was past the whole 'I need a guy to make me feel complete'. I've had so much progress in just being complete all on my own, but that's all falling to shit again and my libido is getting the better of me.

I mean, instead of searching for a good bargain on some fuel-economy-friendly car between 1k and 2.5k, I'm looking through personal and hook-up sites for sexual conquests... again. Damn Libido! Gah!

In closing – I need a car

In closing – I need to figure shit out

Damn it!

2007-10-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

I am dancing with a soul that's not my own;
we are drifting over clouds of stories untold.
Loving, Breathing, and Dancing
in a timeless fantasy of you and me.

The soul's home, a dark place with stories untold,
with doors and rooms yet to be owned.
Locked, Dark – every window boarded tight
by fear and hate, powerless to be right.

My home is a bright place with one need:
an owner to awaken from dreamless sleep.
I am drowning of the sleepless dreams of desire
with a whisper that I am merely dreaming

I am dancing with a soul that's not my own
who's home is a dark place with stories untold.
Yet we could wrestle, fight, and tumble
so that the window of your closed eyes can open.

See my eyes
See my home
See me dreaming
See beauty
See what could be we.

2007-09-07T17:49:00.000-07:00

One of those 'Murphy Law' Days

Well... I worked today

And for those who don't know, I got a new job! Yay!

I'm a cashier.

It's pretty easy, until something goes wrong.

And then... well - it goes wrong.

Anyways - the good thing is that I got a paycheck today! whee! Money! Oh, wait - I'm in debt with my credit card, so I'm going to put half of it towards that on top of my minimum payment. Yay! Less Debt!

Oh, and classes - well - they're going like classes go. Classy. See - I'm taking 16 units (on top of putting myself in for 40 hours at work each week). Which isn't as tough as I though it would be at first. Sure, I'm trying to get ahead on reading and stuff so I'm not left in the dark later. English 1C, Math 5, Sexual Psychology of Humans, History of Theatre, and a late start Introduction to Theatre class (which better be easy, considering I've been actively participating for about 2 years now.

Yay Moorpark College, eh?

Oh! that reminds me, I'm going to this seminar for this absolutely fantastic improv teacher, Anand, tomorrow! Excitement! It's at noon - e-mail me or call me for more details (at least the 'as far as I know' kind of details)

Hope anyone that's reading this is well, because well - I'll survive, but I'm a bit manic. So I'm going to blow off some steam, take a shower, and take a nap! Yay! Nap!

2007-06-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

as far as the whole "living with folks, going to school full time, not paying rent because I'm their son" thing. Yea, that's over. So this summer is going to be more revolutionary than I first thought. I'm probably not going to be able to follow through with a few of the commitments I made for the end of this summer and beginning of next semester as far as helping with and being in shows. I hate doing that, I really do.

I'm really scared right now because I'm not really sure I'm ready. But I guess I'll have to 'get butch, bitch' and deal with it. I just think by pulling the plug too early, my parents have extended the length of time until I am successful from 5 years to about 15.

I mean, of course it's going to be an adventure, and I'll enjoy that part of it - but it's an adventure that I wanted to take with a qualify-able and prove-able college education... or at least a job where I can easily find an apartment.

I'm just angry right now... I'm probably going to call a few friends and vent my anger, so don't be surprised if you get a call sometime today.

2007-04-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about life in general. Am I happy, mad, or sad about my life? I'm always contemplating the reasons that my life sucks, and it only gets me deeper and eeper into this depression that I just cant find my way out of. I often feel trapped and alone and yet constnatly watched by authorities that are only interested in their own agenda, and not what I want for myself. I'm always figting something, and I often dont know what, and it causes me to project a rather pompus personna onto my rather sweet demeanor. I fell trapped in suburbuia, and constnatly teased by the means to escape fully, and instead turn only to the facade of freedom with the internet, games, and writing. I'm escaping, but not completely.

My writing is probably the most realistic of my escapes, and one that I am often afriad to pursue because it may reveal too much. yet it is important for me to do, because I have a different perspective than anyone else, and perhaps my perspective could solve a few problems that we have in this world. Most of my writing does seem to have homosexual characters and homo-erocic situations, but in a way I find it very important to push and display these issues. Sometims I feel like it's a bit of a cop out - and I should create a scene where the same lines are said with a gay couple than a straight couple... which would be quite an interesting feat. I could elaborate on the difficultys of comming out, but how cand one effectively compare the complexitys and the inner struggles any greater than that of my own perspecive? I've tried to change my perspective, but what other attribute can be used to display the inner and societal struggle that many think is a choice. Blacks never had to worry about beeing seen as black, because it was plainly seen that their skin was dark. True, some of the flamboyant faggots in the world display their 'clearly fabulous' appearance and it is clearly seen they're homosexual, but even then certain sects of society (might I emphasize that I'm in a rather religious sect called Moorpark, the trap that I am stuck in). And sure - there are the prejudices against certain religions, but religion is clearly a choice, but one that is hard for some to understand the distinction from choosing to be christian, agostic, atheist, jewish, or what have you. Regardless of if it's a choice or not, or even if it's something that is easily displayed - being homosexual or bisexual in any shape or form is a very uniquer struggle, and it's hard to captivate in simple word and situation how this feels when one is a simpleton who will hear it, but hasn't experienced it.

I could write it like a soap opera - the double-couple thing. It would be very interesting to see if the audience gets the connection after the straight couple comes in. Or rather, what would be the best order to get the best impact to the audience? What would be easiest to get the ploy? What would be best? It's hard to really say... or even write depending on the even more specific issues that all couples deal with... or could the 'straight' couple not be as normal as it may appear. I went to 'issues of transsexuals' which was presented by this cross-dressing man who was completely straight. It was interesting to find that it was his wife that poked his addiction out, and found it hard to really and completely accept. And how they had to keep it a secret was fascinating. Perhaps I could use this in a concept, but I'd feel like I was dealing with a completely different minority in which my life has become accustomed and knowledgeable about.

I find it complicated and frustrating these past few months, and I know that the next couple of months will not be any easier. I have to write for scriptwriting, and I'm very overwhelmed by that. I have to perform in the one acts while writing this 'masterpiece.' And I have to deal with my best friend's issues which I am here and open to help him out with. I have my mom constantly worrying about every last thing I do - and it drives me off the wall bonkers. I have improv to work out - what jokes to make, and obviously they're going to be dealing with the same issue that I am stuck dealing with.

And I don't even know why I'm so stuck dealing with it - I'm practically over comming out and figuring out who I am, but I'm constantly called to second-guess particulars of my identity. My groundwork is that I'm definately male, definately masculine, and definately homosexual. From there I'm sure I'm attracted to guys that are not feminine, but still very - sensual and kind, but a bit dull and easy to work with - yet still smart, funny, and great. Then from there I need to figure how to attract such a man with my masculinity. I end up becoming confused and overwhelmed with all that I need to be in order to be complete as well as avaliable for any 'dream man' that possibly comes my way, sits next to me, or looks at me in a classroom.

That happened today - an obviously gay cute blond guy with a rather deep voice was in that classroom, and I wanted deperately to talk to him after we made eye contact a couple of times... but the second the session was over, I bolted to the door thinking - "would a relationship where I met the guy in a presentation about transexualls really be that good of a relationship."

Ok... my hands are tired and I don't really feel like going back and editing this... so I'm going to end it there... probably I'll reflect on this later

He Will Be MIssed

2007-02-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

I am alone in a motel room
I am comfortable, but lonely
I watch a romantic comedy
My heart grows fonder

I close my eyes
I dream
I'm riding a wild river
On a raft without a paddle

I open my eyes
I notice
A door that is not the exit
but of the room next door
He may be next door
He may be waiting for me
Waiting to be found.

I stand
I walk to the door
I touch the door
I open the door
I find a door
A door without a handle

I rest my ear against the door
I hear
My breath holding
My heart aching
My soul with it, hoping.

I knock on the door
Knock on the door
Knock Knock
Knock Knock Knock
My ear still pressed against the door
Each more painful than the last
Each pierces my heart
Each louder than the last
Each more unstoppable than the last

The door opens
I fall on the floor
He laughs

He speaks to me
He speaks an ancient tongue
I can't understand him

The barrier of communication
Does not matter
His beauty is like his charm
His charm like his beauty
Great

His hand is out
Is what matters
I grab that hand
He brings me up
He pulls me closer
He kisses me
I kiss back
I melt

I finnaly have discovered
No
Wait
He has discovered me
He let me in

His arms surround me
His spirit protects me
I fall asleep

I close my eyes
I dream
We are on that river
I feel his control of the river
He holds my hand
We then guide the raft together
He controls the pace
I somehow the direction.
I let him go faster and faster still
I let out, in pleasure, a moan

I open my eyes
I am only wrapped in my own arms
One across me
One around me
I notice the door again

I stand
I walk to the door
I touch the door
I open my door
I find a board
and an iron

They fall down on me
I fall on the floor
I laugh

I feel my disappointment
I feel my reality slip away
I do not understand if it was reality or not

I close my eyes again
I dream
I am on the river
Alone again
Alone on the raft
I control the river
The direction
The pace
The sun
The earth
The moon
My soul

He gave me the gift
He let me go
He will be missed
If only truly by me

-Thursday, February 08, 2007, 2:14:14 AM

Megalomaniac?

2007-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

A megalomaniac
Mania of perception
Perception of indulgence
Indulgence of selfishness
False perception
True Mania, malignant

A megalomaniac
Thinks she's the next Madonna
Yes, I'm talking to you Britney - you whore
She's a symbol of white trash pop
The Generation I am - I see gore

A megalomaniac
Thinks he is the next of his father
I'm talking to you Bush junior
He is the symbol that I did not choose
The generations before me made that mistake.

A megalomaniac, am I? ---Maybe
I am driven, but by what? ---"The Force"
Are my self-perceptions false? ---Maybe
Is my wisdom deserved? ---Ask the three
Or am I a fool? ---Maybe
Is a wise fool wise? ---Play with cards
or is a foolish wise man? ---Maybe
Do I know fate? ---ESP
Or is fate why I know? ---Maybe

I believe it to be love that drives me manic,
I am a puzzle piece of a greater risk

---William OK Boller 2007 Feb 4 @ 04 57

OMG - Day!

2007-02-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

Friday 2/9/07

---Late (11PMish) - Got out of Denny's/something

Saturday 2/10/07

--2AMish - Got to bed, Jacked off, fell asleep
--8AMish - Woke-up, Jacked off
--8AM-5PM - Random stuff on computer, Friends, and Jacking off
----9AMish Jacked off
----11AMish Jacked off
----1PMish Jacked off
----4PMish Jacked off
----4PM-5PM - Random Nap
--5PM - Dad drove me to Moorpark College to prepare for Variety Show
**Note: I dress up as a woman for the Variety Show, it was quite ridiculous. Kathy asked me to do it, and since I love her I obligued. Plus, I'm so funny when I'm a girl. Sassy too. Maybe a bit too sassy, that comes later.
--7:30pm - Variety Show Starts
**Note: There was a beauty queen bullshit thing going on. Winston called her a 'Turkey' which I found amusing because people who were there for the beauty queen answered 'the Turkey'. Winston makes my soul happy. I stole homemade cookies. Compliments to the baker! Very Yummy!
--8:30ish? - FIRE ALARM! AHHHH!
**Note: I was still in my dress. It was beginning to drizzle a little bit. I got lots of compliments. I took even the sarcastic ones with grace. Nuf Said
--10:30ish? - Variety Show Ends, head off to Rocky
**Note: I kept my dress on including make-up, wearing my Jacket around it to keep me warms. Nuf Said
--11:30ish - Got to Rocky, Needed to Pee, Rushed to go Pee

Sunday 2/11/07

**Note: I first tryed the chevron that I like, RR outa order. Then I tried 7-11, RR under construction... still. Then I think it's a 76 station. Bought Mints. Relieved Self in rather nice restroom. It lacked a hook for a jacket so I got creative. Returned to line. Got hand stamped. Some time later they let us in. Tough love with Sydnee.
****Note: Basically Told her to call me when she decided to be a forgiving spirit. She said she was. I'm like bullshit. She's like no. I'm like - you wonder why you dont have any Friends, Syd. Love you lots hun, but you locked the door first. Call me when you want to work through shit instead of just broken recording the whole 'you ditched me.' Get over it.
**Note: We get in, and the date auction - whoo! Tina got two dates. Venessa got a date. All three very significant... you should check their blogs. Later in night I go to silent auctions. Bid on Pereu. Win Him. Yay! I'm excited b/c he's an awesome guy, and he gave me a kiss. But it kinda sucked because my lips are in a constant state of chap. I bid on Lori. Jen talks with me, decides to turn my triangle date into a double^3 date, which is cool. Jen bids on Lori. Jen wins Lori.
****Note: On the date. I kinda want to go to a theme park. But I'm anticipating what the actual original date was to entail. Time will tell! yay!

4:30AM? I was so tired I dont even remember - Head to Norms. Arrive at Norms
*note: Fudge Brownies good. Sins cast cool.

5:am - Leave Norms. head home
**Note: Gnarly traffic stuff. It was like - Police slows us down, tells us to stup. Other people are like "No, we're American, we always go" I'm like "Wyn, you move. I yell louder." I'm still in dress. I cover up with my jacket just in case PoPo girl decies to peer in and see my fabulous green dress. It's horrible. It really is.
****Note: The green dress is really bad.
**Note: We get to talking about shit... more shit... drama shit... shit shit... and beating shit... all lovely car conversation, but with me if something is brought up, it is dealt with until someone gives me good reason to delay the dealing of bullshit.
****Note: Wyn and I have Spiritual conversation. About Souls, and Anniversaries.

6:30am - Get home. Write Blog
**Note: I'm kinda horny
6:48AM - Jacks off

2007 01 31 - Candle in Dispair

2007-02-01T21:47:00.000-08:00

It is in darkness we choose to curse
Because are feels may be realized there
We then become blind to the present candle
we have the ability to light in one clap

We fear to clap, though, for it draws attention
of the monster that is our fear
We hold onto silence, and to immobility
only because the chance seems not worth it

I instead choose to scream
to allow sound in silence
to shoot waves of simplicity
and chaotic harmony

I choose put fire on the candle
to allow light in darkness
to brighten the room
with poignant intensity

I instead to regard a soul as it is
to sympathy in indifference
to say what needs to be
and with it, change can hear and see

-William Boller. 2007 Jan. 31. 11:00AM

Year Summary, 1/28/07

2007-01-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

So far this year, life has been pretty tough to cope with.

Already, my spirit is wavering with all the stress that is put upon it.

Family life aint so grand... mom's angry at me because I, for once, am trying to be completely honest with how I feel about her. She can't take it

Friend life aint so grand either. I love all my friends (lots of she's and he's here, and each one is kinda different), but she's mad at him who is no longer with her who is with him, and because of these shifts in the patterns of things she's mad and since I decided to be straight (imagine that), she's mad at me now. It's just all so very difficult to take, and my spirit is overburdened with internal pain.

I'm a bit confused, and a bit sleep deprived. I'm kinda scared that I may go into the deep end of excitement again. Which will probably lead me to being put on pills again, and I hate mood pills - especially lithium.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm kinda hurting right now.

I still love, and always will love the beings around me. It just pains me to see my friends fight with each other.

Anything I've said I do mean, and I'm not one to take back any truth I have spoken, especially that out of love.

I am aware the world is not as ideal as I would wish it to be, but I take a friends advice to good use, if someone says I have written or said something too sharp. I may soften it a little bit, but the integrity of what I write and say will always stay in tact.

I love you all, I love you even more if you're read this entire thing.

*big hugs*

2007 01 22 - "Should Both Always?"

2007-01-23T00:12:00.000-08:00

Easy, in laughter, to recall

Each time we choose to, we do so to
Lift our spirit higher, but it becomes

Harder to recognize that

Laughter masks our underlying sorrow;
Thus it becomes a shield for those sorrows.

So that we may never recall less, and instead become more;

To prevent visions of no end from misery, and let us even our own score.

Easy, in sorrow, to remember

the weakness within it forever persists, and
so we cry, to release our pain, but it becomes

Harder to realize that

Lament is a luxury, left to those who persist;
Ironically their surviving spirit further persists.

We remember our strength, but our weaknesses are left to be understood;

They empower us with joy so that we may be mended - both always should.

So cry when you are happy,
and laugh when you are sad.
Then learn from each lesson,
and make your own stand.

-William Boller. 2007 Jan. 22.

On Saying

2006-11-10T05:07:00.000-08:00

If something important needs to be said, it is likely already been. If something revolutionary needs to be said, it is humanity's responsibility to state it.

2006 11 10 @ 04 58
-William Boller... that is if someone has not already said this ;-)

Message to TR Knight

2006-10-20T01:26:00.000-07:00

To TR Knight:

I must have the worst gaydar a gay guy could have - I would have never guessed you were family! Kudos on your acting skills, and Kudos on how you're dealing with coming out. Be proud that this is not coming as a surprise. Your coming out is giving Hollywood a much-needed dose of regular homosexual. I hate to compare you to them, but Darren Hayes and Lance Bass came as no surprise, were flames when they were famous, and now paint ridiculous, stereotypical pictures of gay celebrities.

A lot of gay guy's are asking, "Does he have a boyfriend?" The answer most of these guy's want to hear is, "No," so they can ask you out. I actually want to hear, "Yes," because it's already difficult to find love in this gay world. Mixing in the drama of tabloids and drooling fans would complicate life to no end. Being a gay celebrity limits 'options' to fellow out-of-the-closet, celebrity peers. I hate rumors, but Lance's Amazing-Race-winning activist boyfriend, Richen, is allegedly an alcoholic. If true, Lance has a lot on his plate and not many choices. He could break-up, but not only would he have to abandon someone whom he probably loves, but also have a real shitty dating pool for a respectable relationship. His other option would be dealing with what he's been given, but then he would probably end up with learning the hard way that he can't change someone.

On a different subject (and forgive the shameless plug): Would you be interested in attending a few performances at Moorpark College? I am a member of Moorpark College's drama club, and it would be a great honor to have a successful actor to critique and advise based off your personal experience. I would be more than psyched.

Thank you again for providing a fresh example for the world to be aware of. I really do hope for the best in your life personally and professionally. And I greatly appreciate any consideration you give to viewing a piece at Moorpark College.

Yours truly,
William "Buddy" Boller
BuddyBoller@gmail.com
--Other Info
Moorpark College Theatre Department: http://www.moorparkcollege.edu/theatre/
Moorpark College Fall 2006 Schedule: http://www.moorparkcollege.edu/htdocs/news/pac/

2006-10-17T23:27:00.000-07:00

October 16 2006 - Journal 9 - Acting

Today, in acting, I was critiqued on my growth thus far this semester. I have grown very little from the beginning of the semester. The only skill I improved on was the beginnings of memorization. It is not quite conquered yet, but I have the beginnings to accomplish it. Much of the criticism regarded me to not be so hard on myself, and that I am amazing to work with. One of my most awkward classmates said that I had helped her become comfortable with her acting skills. This made me feel really proud of myself and happy that I had made a difference in other people's lives.
Then Kathy commented that I bring a lot of what happens in my life and 'act it out' on the stage. Which is true, because I do use acting as a loose group therapy. I kinda became teary eyed, because everyone expressed that they felt I was a big ball of happy energy and they hardly even know me. I was even told I was a 'free spirit'.
This all is ironic because I feel far from being a free spirit. I am stuck; I live at home with my folks; I don't have a car or a driver's license; and I'm far from being out, on my own, and independent. I must be a really good actor, then. I can put on a facade that I am happy when, in fact, I have no reason to be happy.
I actually feel that I am more of a writer/director. I would rather sit back an analyse the human experience and tell people how to portray life. This acting class is very good for me, because it forces me to look to myself and express myself. If acting were to have not been introduced to me, I would still be very socially awkward

Just Thinking About Christianity, Y'know

2005-07-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... religious/spiritually. How apparantly there's supposed to be this more recent coming of Jesus Christ. But - how are we so sure that Jesus is going to be the same exact person he was. We dont know for absolute sure that it was the same exact "Jesus Christ" that came in whatever second comming (I dont know half of what I'm talking about, because I've actually never studied christianity or whatever yet... just because the bible study as a piece of literature class I wanted to take in high school was canceled and I never got a chance to take it). But from what I've heard from other christians - the "lord and savior" will come once again to save us all. But like I just said - perhaps the second "Jesus" wasnt the first Jesus, but a "Jesus" that Jesus taught to be Jesus... finding people who look like you isnt that hard (well today, another rant on that another day), Jesus could have found a pretty darn look alike and used him as a ploy to make people believe a ressurection has happened.

Alright... this is the part where I tell you all how what I think of Jesus Christ. This is all stipulation, because... well - apparantly he was born 2005 years ago or something. All I know is some things that people can do in human nature, and the possibilitys for creativeness to do things. I think Jesus was something of a trickster - magician if you will. He'd have staged miricles to gather people to his view of christianity. He took the word "God" and made it so that everyone could feel good about themselves, each other, and their religion (with some set-stone 10 rules, of course). I think he was a positive thinker, and help mold Christianity into what he hoped would be an immortal religion of positiveness. Sounds like he was manipulative, but not in the sense that he would give him a bad twist... manipulation can be used to entertain, enjoy, make good. Modern day example of this benevolent manipulation is the moden-day magicians. Which leads me to my final thing I think about the first Jesus... he either had a twin/lookalike... or he created a trick that would make it look as if he had died (or his look alike had died)... either way... if there was only one Jesus (and not a "Jesus") then he probably created his own ingenious death-defying magic trick (if you learn the secets of modern-day magicians... many of their tricks are very simplistic... such that even in Jesus's day such magic could be arranged... well... of course he wouldnt have a car racing towards him back then... but hopefully you can grasp that Jesus may not have really died untill after the second "Jesus" had died.

As for the next, newer Jesus... I dont know if he (or she) will ever come... and if this Jesus comes... there lies many questions... is he the original Jesus... a ressurection of the original? if not... how can the world be sure that the person who says they're the ultimate savior is really Jesus. Where will he come from? if it's a reincarnation - what would be Jesus's modern-day background, sex, race... everything be? Kind of the whole "What if God was one of us" but it's more "What if Jesus is now one of us, and no one knows it yet?" Above all - how will this new Jesus (assuming the reincarnation) know he's the new Jesus... or how would scientists try to explain Jesus's ressurection (or... would it be the actual scientist that attempt the very art or ressurection). Or perhaps someone needs to be the trickster again... take the lead... and make themeself the next savior. Perhaps this is what the world needs... one great, intelligent, goodhearted person to take charge and make the world a better place just by being influential... and influencing one of the biggest religions in the known world...

Just something I've been thinking about

Zach's Shockwave on the Blogosphere

2005-06-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

I have recently been following a 16 year old gay guy from Bartlett, Tennessee named Zach's effect on the blogosphere...

He recently came out to his parents as homosexual , and their response to this fragile information is to send him to an ex-gay religious camp called "Love in Action". Now... this all would have probably boiled over and things would have gone on as normal in these ex-gay camps, only Zach had created something of a "fan base" or "support group" with Myspace's blogging. His blog can be found here. It begins (from the bottom) with a few cute Myspace blog serveys, his coming out, displays the rules of Love in Action, his agony as he prepares going to this ex-gay camp, and a final "thank you for your support, and here I go" type entry.

People read his writings and the strict rules that LIA ("love in action") enforced on his blog. Soon, other blogging individuals and groups caught wind of his struggle. The word seems to have spread like a wildfire. According to Intelliseek's Blogpulse, In the past two months the topic of LIA has nearly doubled in blogging discussion (from about an average of about 0.02% of all blog posts to 0.04% of all blog posts)... I dont know if the link will work, but the chart displaying this can be found here. This search included both "Love in Action" and LIA search strings, but searching only on the string "Love in Action" the jump is far more drastic, the surge begins around the date of June 5th (two days after his most recent blog), that chart can be found here (again... I dont know how long this link will last).

One such group is the QAC (Queer Action Coalition) who have graciously volunteered to organize protests in front of LIA. (recent news and archives can be found on their blog here)

Another individual is E.J., writer of the blog Cherry Blossom Special, whom has been writing very open minded blog entries on this topic... one in particular is looking at the parents of Zach as human, which is probably one of the better articles, because it gives a different perspective - yet keeps a very positive and constructive viewpoint... that blog can be found here.

Wendi C. Thomas has also made a contribution to the knowledge of LIA, two of her articles can be found here(pdf) and here(pdf).

There has been rumors that Zach will leave LIA very soon... many will anxiously await not only the completion of his finding his sexual identity, but what impact his simpy writing in a myspace blog has had on the blogosphere, and what the blogosphere is now doing to help prevent forcing people of all ages to deny themselves their identity.

Other Links:

New York Blade on Zach and LIA
http://www.newyorkblade.com/thelatest/thelatest.cfm?blog_id=1130

Vacation... w00t

2005-06-09T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm currently at my Aunt Paula's house... Watching television with my grandmother while checking my e-mail, looking at mishaps, and finishing up w/ a blog entry.

Anywhoo - my father informs me Saturday that my grandmother wants me to visit her in Oceanside so I can hang out with my cousins.

Well... sunday comes along and I head over to my Aunt Joy's in Orange County... I get to see and hang out with my cousins: Mikey, Sara, Desiree, and Dejah. My Aunt Joy, Aunt Maggie, and Uncle Mike. Along with Aunt Joy's bf... I cant remember his name. And Desiree's Boyfriend, Gordon. We talk about psychology and personality types... all good times. Uncle Mike and Aunt Maggie drive me over to Oceanside. I get there... hang out with my grandparents that were there (start on endangered species puzzle). Then I go to sleep.

I wake up monday, expecting to go to the zoo w/ U. Mike, A. Maggie, Desiree, Gordon, Grandma, and Grandpa to the San Diego zoo... but because Desiree was running late and U. Mike was having back problemos we decided to have a "lazy day" Desiree and Gordon eventually came and we all talked... which was interesting. Later on we decide to get chinese... so we do... and Dejah and her boyfriend, Brian came to eat food with all of us. It was good times... (Brian was supper cute and cool... Dejah sure knows how to choose 'em). That nite, since parents dont like their children getting sexual while they're around... I shared a room with Gordan as Desiree slept in the other timeshare w/ her parents (U. Mike and A. Maggie). lol - to say the least Gordon was having Desiree withdrawls. I came out to Gordon as a "practically gay bisexual" and I also told him that there's not much I could do about his frustrations because he's Desiree's.

Tuesday comes around... and generally all that was was spending time with Millie and another nun at a retreat and also a quiet restaurant called the Bread Basket... I had a delicious chilii-in-a-bread-bowl. I leave with my grandparents as the two nuns bless me and put my voyage through life in their prayers... I gave an appreciateive laugh, nod of the head, and a hearty "thank you". We then went back to Oceanside and hung out at the pool and such... pretty relaxing. I cooked pasketti sauce for dinner the next time under the guise of U. Mike.

Wednesday we finnaly get to go to the San Diego zoo - w00t! I bring sunscreen along and announce that people put some on, because it WAS a beautiful day... and beautiful, sunshiney days = sunburns... Des and Gord put on their sunscreen, but I dont think U. Mike or A. Maggie heard my announcement. A. Maggie ended up with a horrible sunburn... and when I say horrible.. I mean - jeez - red red red red red red!!!! But we saw lots of animals.. I got a few cool souvineers for ppl. We left the zoo and went back to Oceanside to have the spagetti dinner (which the sauce was delicious if I do say so myself :-P)

Thursday... I wake up... get dressed... get packed... and head over to my Aunt Paula's. Where we figure out how we are goin to get me all the way back home to Moorpark.

So... the plan is. I go with grandma and grandpa to trainstation... they get me on a train to Moorpark... I get to the train station... walk/take bus home... and well... I'm home... for just over 2 weeks before I turn big 18. Who knows what will happen then... Time will tell... time will tell.

What a way to kick off the summer... yippie skippie

Graduation... Grad Nite...

2005-06-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

Well... Yesterday was the day the class of '05 graduated from THS@MC. Well - I kinda did too, but as a future grad (I'm going to take college classes in the Fall). Which is all good and dandy, since they still let me go to Grad Nite.... w00t!

Here's the basic jifts, I hang with Marisa, Mel, Jamie, James, Cin, and Robert (I can never really remember Cindy's bf's name). So... first we hop on Splash Mountain! w00t! That was fun times. the pic is great... and I'm waiting for that pic to be posted somewhere :-P. Then, we wanted to go on Indiana Jones, but the line was uber long... so we went "fuck this"... and went over to fantasy land. I went on snow white, they went on the carosel... then we get lost... then I decide that I dont want to play hide and seek and found this cool bunch of Oxnard graduates to hang out with... we went to the teacups - fun times... they got dizzy - I didnt, lmao. Then we nabbed something to eat... then we went to startours and buzz lightyear. Then I decided to break off from them and go on my merry way. I went to the dancefloor and moved my body to the music - had fun, but although I was wearing a pink shirt... I dont think it's a good indicator of homosexuality nowadays... damn metros. so I end up going on Pirates twice and Haunted mansion twice... then I took the long hike back to the bus. Although I spent half the trip alone... I still had a blast.

So... now it's the summer. I (hope to) get a job, (hope to) get and drive a car, and (hope to) turn 18. Well, I am going to turn 18... but it's a big thing for me... kinda wierd and surreal that guys will no longer run away from me because I'd be "jailbait". Well... anyways, I'm free for whatever peoples, untill I get a job... If you want to hang out - feel free to hit me up!

Single and Hating it

2005-06-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

My reasons start with the fact that I've never been in a relationship - ever. But I did hook up a few times to make sure that I liked gay sex... scientific method says Will indeed is a fag. I live in fucking Moorpark... suburbia. Where they cut down trees, name streets after them, and plant some trees neatly for decor. Where only the bravest of brave fags come out of the closet and become uber-prep fashion admirers. Where do I fit in? Well – I'm the brave gay guy that decided to come out, but isn't a total, utter prep. Yes, I'm somewhat str8 acting, long hair, I'm not a total hygiene expert, I have acne, I don't shave as much as I ought to, and the deal breaker: I am not fashionable. What does this mean to the other potential boyfriend material in Moorpark? It scares them off – apparently they can't have a boyfriend that picks his wedgies semi-discretely in public.

I also am extremely honest and outspoken, you ask me what I think – and I'll tell you what I think... I'll even tell a girl trying on new pants that those pants, do indeed make her ass look larger than it actually is. I've very recently taken on this “100% honesty path” and quickly have discovered, that the truth – originally meant to earn trust turns around and usually breaks it as well.

Also, a guy nearby wants to take me out on a date! Great... I get excited on Monday about a date on Friday nite. The anticipation builds... builds... builds! Then boom, whoops – the guy decides to cancel at the last second. Or... instead of going on a date, we end up fooling around and fucking or whatever. These “hookups” usually end with the other guy blocking my SN.

Currently, my age is also a problem. Those of the 21 and over club have “statutory rape” to worry about. Yes, I am indeed “jail bait” and thus being so also has resulted in guys blocking my SN because of it. They can't figure out that I'm not into a quick fuck, and by the time that we probably would make love I'd be fucking legal – I mean, wtf?!

It's NOT that I'm ugly, and it's not that I have a bad personality. I've been told many times that I am attractive. As for my personality, people upon getting to know who I am inside seem to love that part of me. I write poetry, I'm optimistic, I like doing things for others (often to my great detriment). My main problem is location.

I leave you with a song:

I'm kinda pretty
and pretty damn smart
I like romantic things
like music and art
and as you see I have a gigantic heart
so WHYYYYYYY don't I have a boyfriend...
FUCK
It sucks to be me
It sucks to be me
Avenue Q - "It Sucks to Be Me"